Black Magick

Here’s my recipe to smell like Black Magick:

After shower rub in a strongly-scented cocoa butter lotion into skin Vaseline is great!
Spritz Calvin Klein’s Obsession for women on your arms, armpits, groin.
Lightly spray yourself with Perfumer’s Workshop Tea Rose.
Rub a little White Linen oil behind your ears,
And voila! You smell like Black Magick.

To any Young Girl out there, if Satan starts to woo you tell him to leave you the fuck alone. He starts in your dreams. Cut it then. Don’t be mesmerized by pretty eyes.

If you are a woman like me, he will leave you dry and barren and aching. Please learn from my experience, don’t think that you can tame him. Oh he’ll pretend that you can, he’ll pretend just about anything to make you his, but he’ll NEVER be yours.

Trust in this — he’s a BAD BAD man.

Barbara, Not Hillary

I dreamed last night that I was writing in this blog about how I didn’t want Hillary to run for nomination because she was such a clown, and how I’d rather have Barbara Boxer as a Presidential candidate. Then I zoomed into Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, and Lily Rabe from American Horror Story was a guest on a panel of about 10 people as was Boxer.

Rabe was in character. She was wearing a shit ton of makeup, her hair was in a messy updo, she was twitchy like a bird, and was basically playing batshit crazy. Barbara Boxer sat next to her, and they began talking. As the show progressed and Lily kept answering every question that was asked even the ones that weren’t directed at her, Boxer became visibly disturbed. The Host, Andy Cohen, was loving it. Finally after a commercial break, Barbara sat one chair away from Rabe, and to this action Lily began to complain on air. Then they cut to these weird dance/burlesque/acrobats who were doing the bump in all sorts of dirty ways.

Lily Rabe


Whelp, I agreed to go out on a date with a ginger Michael in my dream last night. I have this thing for guys named Mike.

I went to this weird movie with Marc and our friend Jolivette, ‘cept Jolivette looked an awful lot like Joan Jett. I tried to hold Marc’s hand on the way out, but he pulled away. He then asked me if it was true that I punched Ricky Shroeder out. I lied and said, “No, I just smacked him.” I have no idea what that was about. There was something in the movie about coming clean from your lies, and I guess he was testing me?

But before that , I was back inside one of those weird babysitting dreams that I have, with those same weird parents (tall white blonde woman and tall dark-haired white man) who are always going on these 2 week vacations. These people never do their laundry and their toilets are always backed up. But it was taking place at Marc’s house and on my street this time.

I remember this weird church/school/daycare center. Seemed very Scientology, but it was a different cult. It was really run by these people who were bringing forth a dark overlord and his minions into the world. They were using these kids to bring this apocalypse forth — the kids would play with the inner woirkings this strange contraption that used to be a bubble gum vending machine. So one of the girls that I was babysitting went to school there. There was some reason she couldn’t walk down this one street which was Sherman Way, though the street was really McVine. See the school was on that street. For some reason there was this gang who was after these kids, and they patrolled “Sherman Way.”

Well she ran off to that school, and I was very upset, so I went there. I found her talking with this man. I said, “Isn’t there a vacant lot next to this building.” He said, yes, but it was really a Jesuit dedication garden. Ummmm. So I took her to my street where all the kids suddenly were. There was this huge mountain of clothes with a weird shadowy figure sitting atop. I picked up a pair of jeans and asked the girl what was going on. She said, oh, we do this once a year, pile all of our clothes up and pick one, then throw two away. One of her brothers was with us and he pointed at the thing on top and told me his sister thought it looked like a big spider. I looked at it and said, “Yeah, I can see that.” When I looked closer I saw it was a bunch of huge stuffed animals. There was one plushie bear laying flat face down with another plushie laid out face down on it’s back. Some guy said it looked like the way the English so It. Whatever.

So stuff happened, I was being followed by these two guys who wanted to see me walking in the air, so I did it (I was in some sort of store), but I had to keep grabbing on to things to be able to walk in a direction. Finally they left, and I was at the movie theater and there was a door with horrible things on the outside (the evil overlord and his minions). We shut the door, and it seemed like church. There was this tall guy and he told me he wanted to be a Jesuit priest, but everybody kept telling him to be Episcopalian. I told him to go for Jesuit. He seemed happy.

Then the Marc stuff happened. Suddenly I was in some kind of aftermath of a horrible deluge, and there were these boxes that were carrying people’s wailing washing down these hallways in this building. I wailed into my own, and it was about Marc. I wound up in this room where they were passing out boxes of food, and someone gave me one and this woman put all these bags of gingersnaps on mine as I was carrying it out the door. As I walked out the door the box disappeared and I ran into a group of lesbians outside this Japanese grill. I was trying to get past them but they kept talking to me. This one was sitting on a fence, and I was trying to scoot past her, but she wasn’t moving. I was sliding by saying I’m sorry, I’m too fat to get past you and she was like, no you’re not. I finally got past her, and she wound up walking next to me.

I don’t know when she turned into a guy. S/he pointed at a motorcycle and said, “That’s Michael’s van,” and laughed. Then suddenly he was the ginger Michael and asked if I would be interested in going for coffee. I thought about it for a minute, then said yes, we could do that, when was he thinking? So he handed me his phone which showed all the available time slots, which were most of them, and there was this place to type in my address, so I started to do that, then I woke up.

Majikal Oils and Curios