Seriously, there is something wrong with me. Once again I wake up in the middle of the night, this time to an infomercial, so I get on the computer and order the damn product. HIP HOP ABS FOR ONLY 20 BUX! SCORE!! Really now. I didn’t even remember until I checked my email this morning and got a confirmation and a shipping notice. I guess I’ll have to hook up the dvd player in the living room now. Hopefully I’ll have learned some funky fresh moves by the summertime just in time for all the summer parties!
Hip. Hop. Abs.
I just found this blog:
I’m happy to discover that there is someone crazier than me posting about demons and shit on the web.
Marc took my mother and me to her psychiatry appointment this morning. That was very nice of him, plus he refrained from smoking or playing any loud music while my mother was in his car. Respect.
My friend Elliott dm’d me on facebook. I was shocked actually. I thought he didn’t like me and only accepted my friend request to be nice. Turns out he felt really bad about something (what, I have no idea) he did to me years ago, and was hesitant to communicate with me for fear of making the same mistake twice. Hmmmmmm. I will have to get to the bottom of this… or I could just let it go as it is apparently not very important to me.
I completely freaked out my friend Claudia about Marc’s illness and haven’t heard anything from her for a long time. I wonder if I should call her? She did give me her number after all.
What happened was I wasn’t sure Marc was going to make it the last time he got sick, so I messaged Claudia that she might only have this chance to see him, if she ever wanted to see him again. Totally freaked her out. She just stopped communicating with me. *sigh*
A lot of people from the past have been bubbling up, people from elementary school. A former bully called me and apologized. Wow!
It’s because we’re all hitting 40. Mid-life crisis time. I already had my crisis so I get to sit back and watch everybody having theirs.
I haven’t brushed my teeth in two days. That is disgusting!
I’ve decided I’m keeping my nails a rich shade of royal purple all month. I’ve just retouched them, my manicure is (almost) flawless! I made an excellent batch of split pea soup three days ago out of the leftover Easter ham. Kevin and Carrie brought the ham over as well as the potatoes, asparagus, and rolls… and a particularly nasty bottle of oaky chardonnay. But not to worry, we had a bottle of Sophia Rosé in the fridge. We all had a pleasant time, I’m thinking about inviting them over for meatloaf soon. I do make an excellent meatloaf, and my mashed potatoes are pretty delicious as well.
That smoky candle is still burning. It’s a jar candle and the first inch and a half of the glass is black with soot. When I was cleaning out my nose in the shower (gross, I know) all the boogers were coated in soot as well. Soy candles are supposed to burn clean. It’s very peculiar and I read this as a sign that my mother’s pain has been unbearable as long as she’s had this candle. I wish I could persuade her to go to a hands on healer, but she doesn’t like anything that smells of massage. She’s not very thrilled with the idea of strangers touching her, plus she doesn’t believe in all that “hocus pocus.”
She’s having an allergic reaction to her new medication but has continued taking it because she convinced herself that the itching was from all that cat pee that she must have been touching while she was weeding out by the camelias. She didn’t weed today and she’s still itching (all over might I add), so I sternly told her not to take that medication tonight. Hopefully my stubborn mother will listen to me.
Haven’t spritzed on any Chocolate Amber today because I used Lemongrass Sage lotion and the scents don’t flatter each other.
I am determined to finish “The I-5 Killer” by Ann Rule. I hope to have it over and done with by Tuesday, so that gives me tonight and tomorrow. I plan on visiting Marcus tomorrow so I guess I will take that over there with me. Once I’m finished with this book I will turn my attention back to Dune. I have about 6 sequels to get through. See, when you’re manic you tend to do things like spend all your money on things you don’t need and I bought myself A LOT of books! Almost all of which have been “fixed” with majikal workings that I have since forgotten. Hmmmmmm.
I am burning off the old candles. It’s important to do this I’ve found, because they retain the energy of the months or years past, and that needs to be burned off in order to bring in the new. Right now I’m burning off one that’s letting off A LOT of smoke, and I can feel it’s energy coursing through my body. My intention was to clean my mother’s energy, since it was her candle, but it is really working on me! It’s soy, and I’ve burned others from this line, but they’ve never let off this kind of smoke before. The flame is super-high as well!
I’ve got to figure out a way to get these other two candles away from my mom. I gave them to her so they were presents, which means that she will probably be inclined to keep them, but I will find a way. One of them is about 6 years old. It’s got to be burned up.
Another important thing to do to keep your energy clear that I’ve found is to use up older products first before you crack into new ones. Use up old cleansers and shampoos, older makeup, older household cleaners, etc. I also find that it’s a good idea to throw out your things like pens and such and replace once every couple of years. Same goes with hairbrushes and the like. Use up old medications before buying new ones, unless they are expired. Those, of course, should be thrown away.
Now I had to get rid of my cd collection about fifteen years ago, because the entire thing made me cry. That was an extreme measure and one should only undertake those sorts of purgings if the materials are absolutely positively making you miserable. The purging of my cds isn’t something I’ll ever do again simply because I don’t listen to music in the manner that I used to anymore. It’s important to change one’s perspective once in awhile in order to live a healthy life, I find.
I’m now planning on using up all of the older canned food, salad dressings and noodles and such from the pantry before using any new.
I don’t personally have any old issues of any magazines hanging around, and my book collection that I need to read has been fixed to bring about changes that I planned out about 9 years ago, so I better get to that so that I can get rid of it and allow things to come to pass. I have no idea what any of those workings are anymore, that’s the trick to majik. One must forget the spell before it can manifest in the world.I have to toss them into the recycling bin because they’ve been all marked up with my name and such. I hate doing such a thing, I’df rather give them to the local thrift store, but I don’t want any of the workings stagnating or affecting anybody else.
I have this old jar of Tiger Balm that’s never been opened. I guess I’ll have to use my stepper now so that I have a reason to use it. I have no idea why one night I woke up at 3 am and found it desperately important to buy dvds and equipment for step aerobics, but it was. Maybe it’s that Tiger Balm calling out to me saying “Use me up.”
There are also boxes of puzzles that have been bought for me that I need to do. Who knows what connections they’ll make?
I’m going to use up my perfumes one by one as well, the way I did when I was thinner. Perhaps the energy of doing that will help me drop twenty pounds. I’ll start with the Chocolate Amber from Bath and Body Works that I’ve had for 8 years. No product should sit around that long, at least according to my philosophy. The only way to build up good momentum, speed, fire is to stoke the furnace with plenty of fuel and the older should be used first, before the newer comes in. Otherwise one’s life is just “Holding Back the Years” set on repeat.
I’ve been to Hell. It’s not a fun place. I was teetering on the edges of it for years before I finally jumped into that pit. Now that I’m separate from it, at least that particular horrible level, I’m watching it around me, but I now have a shield. Hell’s participants don’t understand me anymore, they think I’m stupid or innocent or just plain weird.
Most people are born into it. I was — I just didn’t realize it until I took the plunge into the lake of fire. It purified me. Opened my eyes in ways that only mystics understand, I was travelling in between the layers of life and death, and everyone was a puppet around me. The puppet show that showed me that we’re all black. We might pretend to be other races but when it comes down to it, the afterlife, you remember that you’re black as Eve. I was dead, too.
My heart went out with a poof pop, and I walked around for half an hour not breathing, looking for a pulse and not finding one. You can’t very well see between the layers of life and death without having passed away, now can you? I was on my path through Hell, see wonders and experiencing horrors.(I understand that I now have a good dose of PTSD from this experience, from the deep dental pain alone.) It was a frightening initiation, made even more frightening by my complete acceptance of it. I started doing strange things, testing to see exactly how dead I was. I walked in front of a car, or rather, tried to. I chickened out. I stared at the sun, just to see if I could. Turns out it’s blue. Don’t ever do that by the way. I burned a small part of my retina and if I move my eye real fast I have a blank speck.
I guess that I discovered Original Sin, and found a winding pathway that began to lead me out of it. I’m still not out, I’m still alive (like Jesus), but unlike Jesus I haven’t ascended into Heaven because I haven’t thrown off this mortal coil. When I was ready to do that I scared myself so bad I would up on a 72 hour hold. See, if you overdose on chocolate it affects your brain chemistry in such a way (or at least it did me) that your perception of your skin changes. It seems like orange peel and it’s so easy to cut. Yep, I intoxicated myself with chocolate and began cutting myself with the intention of moving toward my wrist.. and then I threw a fit and the cops were called and then I wound up in a whole new kind of puppet show.
I take pills now that make the inbetween fade away, or at least my perception of it is dulled. It was beautiful while it lasted. Depression really is it’s own sort of beautiful. And Mania is fun as hell as long as you’re laughing, unless that laughing becomes so uncontrollable that you can’t stop. Then it’s just fucking scary. At least I had superpowers, like the ability to walk all night long and then sleep for half an hour just to walk all day the next morning. Yeah. The sidewalks are really loud when you’re dead and they want to be played with.
Honestly, my whole experience took away my fear of dying, but it made me realize that what I’m truly afraid of is life. But after going through such pain and turmoil, life seems somehow easier.