Pathetic

 

I have been this pathetic.

 

 

But I know what kind of state it is.

 

 

Just say no to Temptation, kids.

 

Here’s the Cure:

Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is a wasted time
Look inside your heart, I’ll look inside mine
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

Worlds are turning and we’re just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it’s real to me
There must be someone who’s feeling for me
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring be a higher love
I could rise above on a higher love

I will wait for it
I’m not too late for it
Until then, I’ll sing my song
To cheer the night along

Bring it, oh bring it.

I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire
Let me feel that love come over me
Let me feel how strong it could be

Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?

 

Done with Project Crosswords

I threw it out. I figure if something is giving me that much grief, it isn’t worth finishing.

Now onto Wicked Charms.

 

I went out to the store yesterday, and saw various people recreating their roles. They haven’t aged a bit. That horrible girl who has shown up who lurks around the park was there. Looks like I’m going to have to do a banishing.

Good Lord!

The homeless drug addict population is getting out of hand in this town. Back when I was 19, I used to listen to the song “Homeless” that’s on Paul Simon’s Graceland album over and over. What in Hell have I done?

 

 

 

yes I Fucked You

You didn’t fuck me, and you know it.

 

My mother tried for years to dominate me and as a result we fought like cats and dogs for years. I finally had to push her into complete submission to get my point across that she was not the one who is in charge.

Now she’s my mother for a reason, make no mistake. She’s the best mother I could have possibly had considering the circumstances of who I am in this world. I learned about equality between the sexes, the classes and the races from her. I learned that it’s perfectly within my right to be intelligent from her. She also taught me how to read and write the best out of anyone. Her passing will be great for me, because I will lose one of my greatest sources of information and council. She is one of the wisest people I know. Her IQ must be past 140. Plus I love her more than anyone else on this earth.

 

If money actually meant anything to me I would be worth billions, believe you me. No, it’s just something to be used, like any other possession. It’s a good thing to have a steady source of it coming in, and I plan on getting a better one sometime in the next five years. Right now I have other things to attend to, more self healing  to do. I’m not ready to go fully back out into the material world just yet. But I will be. It’s enough that I can send packages to people, call for a pizza, go out to get groceries, get myself to my appointments, take care of my hygiene on the regular, and keep my clothes washed and my dishes done. I’m cleaning up the mess that my father left me in a little at a time. I tried to move too quickly before, but didn’t have the basics down, so I fell from grace. I made sure that my niece had the basics down.

I tried with my nephew, but he’s unwilling to admit that he’s a bottom bitch at the moment. Sassy little homo, his mouth gets him in some serious trouble. I hope he never gets raped. He’s almost gotten his ass beat a few times.  He has a lot of passion. He just can’t look at the wrong he does to others, and he continues to use and abuse people. Someone is going to have to teach him a very valuable lesson soon, or he will not make it in this world.

My soul has never enjoyed being in a body. That’s one of the reasons why I have trouble with things like astral projection and quick majik. I am quite literally being forced to stay grounded. That’s probably why I don’t enjoy feeling kundalini energy as well as being too intoxicated on drugs. I’m being forced into my body when these things happen, and tension arises. It’s like I’m constantly walking on Hell, while my soul yearns to go back to Heaven.

 

I am actively going to start making peace with my body. It is imperfect. It has wounds. I need to take care of it instead of constantly fighting with it.

It’s very hard for me to allow anyone to touch me. I always feel the need to dominate situations in which touching will be happening. I’ve learned to go to the hairdresser regularly. I found a good one, he’s intuitive and quiet. The last thing I like to do when I’m getting my hair done is make small talk. I need to concentrate on allowing the process to happen. I don’t like it when my sexual partners talk, either. I just want them to keep their mouths shut.

I allow the dentist to touch me on a regular basis. In fact, I look forward to my dental appointments. I don’t like the pain that comes with a cleaning, but I know that it is necessary, so I happily get it done.

 

Now I just have to make myself go to the doctor. I haven’t had a proper physical in over eight years. I fucking hate doctors. I hate gynecological procedures, I hate body scans, I hate being poked and prodded. I’m okay with giving blood, and I can now handle shots, but everything else sucks. They look in your ears, they look in your mouth, up your nose. It’s disgusting!

Oh Dad! You sure did make a mess of this house!

 

It sucks when your body is just a tool. When I dance, it’s not for pleasure, unless it is for God. When I sing, it’s not for pleasure, unless it is for God. For years I wouldn’t sing anything but hymns. Then I started singing along with Lauren Hill and Jeff Buckley.

I haven’t really sung in a long ass time, my voice is totally out of shape. I can sing along with Natalie Cole, and Scott Weilland, but Britney is impossible. I don’t know how she does it. Her speaking voice isn’t any higher than mine, but her natural singing voice is in such a high register. When you really sit down and try to sing along with Britney, you discover that she’s actually very underrated as a singer. That’s probably why so many talented people have worked with her.

 

Anyway, my family in general doesn’t like doctors or dentists. I have been forced to enjoy going to the dentist, just as my mother has learned to tolerate going to the doctor on a regular basis. She always has to take a klonopin beforehand, though. I should try that. Leslie has never had much of an issue with doctor visits, and she has learned to work with her shrinks instead of using them. Jon is terrified of the dentist.

I relied on my brother Kevin’s energy to get me through my major dental procedures because he learned early on that you have to take care of your teeth in this family. Thank God Christina and Michael got their father’s genes in the dental department. All of my mom’s kids got hers. Oh our teeth are terrible. Our tap water is fluoridated, and I DRINK IT. Haven’t had a cavity since I started, bout 6 years.

 

I need to get back on my mouthwash game, though. My gums have deep pockets, and I recently had to go through a root planing and scaling. My dentist suggests that I have a couple more before my gums are healthy again. I tell you, I am flossing myself silly. I also recently got these brush picks to really clean the gums between my upper teeth. Right now they’re bleeding from it, but that’ll go away just like it did with the flossing. No pain, no gain.

 

I use Listerine or Cepacol, btw. They’re nasty, but they’re the best ones out there without a prescription. Particulary Cepacol. After a month of Cepacol, brushing your gums, and flossing regularly, your gums will look fantastic!

Occult Books

My approach to reading and understanding occult books is like a computer downloading information and programs. I read them, and usually get rid of them after I’m finished. Anything useful that I’ve obtained from them will manifest in my life. All the chaff will simply fall away. I’m not the kind of majikian who cares that much about correspondences, astrology, or tarot, unless I am using it for a specific work. I can’t tell you how many tarot decks I’ve gone through because I needed one particular card for a spell. I don’t collect these things, I APPLY them.

Any information that I actually need to hold on to I can look up on the internet. That’s why I don’t own a dictionary anymore. I used my last set for a spell. I had some pretty flowers pressed in that one, too.

 

My whole life is about majik. I weave everything I own, eat, say, write, do into my Will Work. All of my makeup is charged. All of my books. All of my vitamins. All of my hygienic products. All of my cleaning supplies. All of my clothing. Everything. I am walking Majik.

I’m the bull fighter. Sorry Damian. You just couldn’t handle me. I almost turned you into a human being.

Trust me, you don’t want to fuck with my Inner Jon. That is some BLACK magick, and you’re a very white soul. Oh the things I could do to you…

 

Remember, I conjured up Lisa. God knows what nasties you picked up from that thing, and I’m not talking about STDs.

 

I will never let you forget that you chose the car as long as you continue to haunt me. It will be a thorn in your side, that you just can’t seem to pry out.

 

If you have some stupid idea in your head that I belong to you, you better wipe that shit clean. I belong to no one but myself. And you REALLY don’t want to belong to me, motherfucker.

 

This is not some kind of dark flirtation going on here. I seriously want you gone! I don’t love you, I don’t want you, I don’t want to work with you, I don’t like your energy, I think you’re a foul creature, you stink to high Heaven, I don’t even remotely like you in any way whatsoever. You were an object that I used. Get it? That’s all you’ve ever been to me. We’re not some kind of team, out to punish the wicked and heal the addicted. I’m on my own, and you’re on your own. Go sow your seeds in someone else’s field, before I sow mine in yours.

 

I sincerely apologize for using you. That was wrong of me. I hope someday that you can forgive me.

My Shit List

  • Warren Buffet
  • Carlos Slim Helu
  • Amancio Ortega
  • Larry Ellison
  • Charles Koch
  • David Koch
  • Christy Walton
  • Jim Walton
  • Alice Walton
  • S. Robson Walton
  • Sheldon Adelson
  • Jacob Rothschild
  • Sir Evelyn De Rothschild
  • Liliane Bettencourt
  • Michael Bloomberg
  • Bernard Arnault
  • Stefan Persson
  • La Ka-shing
  • Larry Page
  • Sergey Brin
  • Jeff Bezos
  • Carl Icahn
  • David Thomson
  • Michele Ferrero
  • George Soros
  • Forest Mars Jr.
  • Jacqueline Mars
  • John Mars
  • Jack Ma
  • Jorge Paulo Lemann
  • Phil Knight
  • Steve Ballmer
  • Lee Shau Kee
  • Michael Dell
  • Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud
  • Mukesh Ambani
  • Leonardo Del Vecchio
  • Aliko Dangote
  • Len Blavatnik
  • Dilip Shanghui
  • Charles Ergen
  • Tadashi Yanai & Family
  • Laurene Powell Jobs
  • Paul Allen
  • Michael Otto
  • Anne Cox Chambers
  • Theo Albrecht Jr.
  • Robin Li
  • Alisher Usmanov
  • Susanne Klatten
  • Dieter Scharz
  • Azim Premji
  • Masayoshi Son
  • Donald Bren
  • Palloji Mistry
  • Ray Dalio
  • Jack Taylor
  • Serge Dassault
  • Lui Che Woo
  • Joseph Safra
  • Francios Pinault
  • Viktor Vekselberg
  • Stefan Quandt
  • Ronald Perelman
  • Rupert Murdoch
  • Wang Jianlin
  • Thomas and Raymond Kwok
  • Ma Huateng
  • Mikhail Fridman
  • Georg Shaeffler
  • Lakshmi Mittal
  • Abigail Johnson
  • German Larrea Mota Velasco
  • John Paulson
  • Gina Rinehart
  • Vladimir Potonin
  • Hinduja Brothers
  • Patrick Soon-Shiong
  • Luis Carlos Sarmiento
  • Chen Yu-tung
  • Mohammed Al Amoudi
  • Dhanin Cheararanont
  • Iris Fontbona
  • Henry Sy
  • Johanna Quandt
  • James Simons
  • Alejandro Santo Domingo Davila
  • Lee Kun-hee
  • Andrew Beal
  • Charoen Sirivadhanabhakdi
  • Li Hejon
  • Gerald Cavendish Grosvenor
  • Hand Rausing
  • Marcel Herrmann Telles
  • Shiv Nadar
  • Charlene de Carvalho-Heinekin
  • Handjoerg Wyss
  • Robert and Phillip Ng
  • Wang Wenyin
  • Leonid Mikhelson

You want off my shit list, you better do right by the world.

Sinister

 

If I could rescue you, I would. I can’t. You’re just going to have to go out there and take what’s yours. You can’t hide in your room forever, pretending to be something that you’re not.

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